190 Harwood Avenue S, Ajax, ON L1S 2H6
What Grief looks Like To Someone Who Has Never Experienced It?
Losing a loved one is one of the most painful experiences we go through as human beings. We all have to face this, sooner or later. One of the difficulties of dealing with the death of people we are close to is that there is no ‘how to’ manual to help us cope with the loss. Also, in westernized societies, our suffering is not made easier due to the solitary nature of grieving. Unlike certain cultures where grieving is done as part of a community, in North America, we grieve alone. For example, in Hindu or Chinese cultures grieving involves the whole family and community. Similarly, in African or Indigenous cultures, the whole tribe mourns the deceased. Research has shown how the collective grief that takes place in those more traditional cultures greatly reduces suffering.
Complexity of grief
Grief is an emotional response experienced after someone we love dies. So, grief is a ‘normal’ human reaction. The complexity of grief is that while sadness may be the main emotion, grief can also cover many other, sometimes conflicting, emotions. Grief also affects us on several dimensions – i.e. physical, emotional, behavioural...even spiritual.
One thing that research on grief has found is that grief is an individual process. What does this mean? This simply means that there is no manual about how to grieve. Some people tend to compare their grief to how other people grieve but this only causes further suffering. The way that you grieve is unique to you and there is nothing wrong with that.
It is also important to understand that grief is a process and grief happens in waves – one day you may feel ‘fine’ or at peace with the loss of your loved one. The following day, you are unable to get out of bed and feel hopeless. This is not ‘wrong’ and this does not mean that there is anything wrong with you. Cycling through these emotions is a ‘normal’ part of the grieving process.
So, what does grief look like?
Here are 6 ways grief can manifest itself:
- Sadness: low mood, and typically sadness, tends to be the main emotion but people can also experience a range of emotions from sadness to anger to despair. These emotions sometimes seem to come out of nowhere.
- Numb: some people go into a state of shock or denial that their loved one is no longer alive, and are not able to feel anything.
- Depression: is a state of hopelessness or meaninglessness, where life no longer has any meaning without the deceased loved one.
- Loneliness: some feel a profound sense of loneliness or a sense of having been abandoned by the death of their loved one. As a result, they may withdraw or isolate from other people.
- Guilt: some people experience large amounts of guilt because they are still alive and their loved one isn’t or they even blame themselves for not having done more (I should have seen it... I should have done this...). This is harder when the relationship with the loved one was conflicted.
- Anxiety: there can be an increase in symptoms of anxiety or panic attacks. This anxiety comes from being faced with the unpredictability of life and our powerlessness in the face of death, but it also brings us closer with our own mortality.
These are some of the emotions that can be present when dealing with grief. Also, grief affects us on various dimensions – such as emotionally (e.g. sadness, anxiety, anger, rage), mentally (e.g. inability to focus or concentrate), and physically (e.g. gastric issues, various bodily aches and pain, disrupted sleep or eating). Moreover, grief can also impact our behaviours (e.g. risky behaviours, substance use) as a way to cope with the death of our loved one.
Where can I find support for my grief?
It is important to get help if you are struggling with grief and are unable to function in daily life. It is not a sign of weakness to reach out to a friend, your community or to a mental health professional. If your grief is acute and debilitating beyond 12 months, this becomes what is known as complicated grief and, if left untreated, can be diagnosed as Prolonged Grief Disorder. So, do not hesitate to reach out if you find yourself withdrawing or experiencing significant distress in your day-to-day life. There is no need to grieve alone and prolong your suffering.
Here are some of the things that you can do:
- Reach out: reach out to friends or family, reach out to your community or peer support groups.. Do not isolate. You may think that no one can understand and that is partly true. Your relationship with the loved one was unique to you and nobody can know what the two of you experienced. But this does not mean that you cannot get support through your personal pain.
- Feel your Feelings: acknowledge how you feel, even if those feelings are conflicted or confusing. All relationships are different and sometimes how we feel is clear: we loved the one we lost. But other times, we have confusing feelings – we may have had a complex relationship with the loved one and this makes us feel a range of opposing emotions. This is ‘normal’ and you are allowed to acknowledge these mixed emotions.
- Therapy: mental health professionals like the therapists at In Time Counselling can also support you. They can help you explore your feelings and offer tools to help you adjust to this new reality without the loved one. They will support you as you go through the pain of grief and help you find clarity with regards to all those mixed emotions you might feel. More importantly, the therapist will help you try and make meaning of this loss and help you move forward. So if you are feeling overwhelmed, depressed and stuck in your grief, please do not hesitate to contact us. You do not have to grieve alone.
Change your life in time with
In Time Counselling & Consulting Services
Helping you address burnout, live your values & achieve work-life balance
Explore
HOURS
Tuesday: 8 AM – 6:30 PM
Wednesday: 8 AM – 6:30 PM
Thursday: 8 AM – 6:30 PM
Contact
Address: Unit 9 - 190 Harwood Avenue S,
Ajax, Ontario, L1S 2H6
I’m located in the Work Hub. Please sign in as a visitor on the tablet at reception and I will come get you at your appointment time.
Phone: (289) 536-4995
Email: info@intimecounselling.com
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-11
©2024 In Time Counselling and Consulting Services | All Rights Reserved | Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | Cookie Policy